"Your source for somewhat true and completely wonderful local news."
WILDLIFE
This week marks the beginning of a new cumulative-poultry consumption observation process by local birds. "During this time, the amount of bird products consumed by each barbarian human will be recorded in the databases of our flat-screen supercomputers," a nearby grackle cawed menacingly at a Möbius reporter in the wee hours of the morning. "All those who exceed the maximum consumption will be promptly punished for their sins against Aves! Cower in fear, puny humans!" Residents of the surrounding area reported being awakened early in the morning by sqwak-ing birds, having unusually large amounts of bird excrement on their car windows, and being afflicted by the traditional sneezing and-coughing dust spread by vengeful birds at the conclusions of observation periods. However, bribes of Raspberry Pi(s), Arduinos, and SD cards have been proven to significantly decrease the number of consequences experienced by eaters of eggs and bird meat. To bribe your neighborhood birds, simply deposit the bribe in any nearby bird's nest.
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EDUCATION
Judges at a nationwide science fair competition for students have adopted the habit of procrastination common among the contestants. "I know the results were supposed to come out like two days ago, but come on, they can wait for another couple of days! I deserve a break, man 'cuz I looked at the first two pages of this one yesterday! I'll do it- but not now,"claimed one judge before turning back to his game of throwing virtual birds at structurally unsound buildings.
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Local teacher secretly hungry, students say. "She's, like making so many references to food," said one student. "If you're hungry, then just, like, use your calculator to call the school black market and get some zip-tab coconuts or something. Everyone knows that!"
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State decides not to fund testing for science and math. Instead, the Bored of Education, presumably somewhat bored with education, prompted the state to pay for end of course tests for the Introduction to Modern Metalworking (often referred to as Tin for the New Millennium) and Chair Studies classes.
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Bizarre new proof for E=mc2 introduced by a middle school math teacher. When asked for a summary, she told Möbius reporters that it "involves a complex diagram with a circle" and that she was "inspired by ClipArt." Mathematicians city-wide are possibly currently examining her work.
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WENDY'S RECIPES
Tartar Sauce and Fish Sandwich
First, get some magnesium sulfate and tartaric acid. Then mix them together, adhering to standard chemistry safety procedures. Allow the resulting solution to evaporate and form crystals. Next, take your microscope and examine the crystals and find one or maybe a couple thousand that resemble a fish, depending on whether or not you supersaturated the solution. Finally, scrape off the crystal(s) and put it between two pieces of bread.
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WENDY'S EQUATIONS
Student + dying == Studying
Combination + permutation == Communist nation
Marshmallow + bath == Math
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RF'S DATING TIPS
"With these tips, you'll never not get not rejected!"
Asking someone on a date:
1. Buy a date fruit.
2. Approach the person you wish to ask on a date.
3. Place date on floor.
4. Step on date. Be sure not to cover up more than half of the date!
5. Ask the other person to step on the date as well. If he or she is reluctant, say that it's for science.
6. Repeat until the answer is yes.
7. Tell everyone you went on a date with that person.
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Asking someone out:
1. Make sure that both you and the person you're asking are indoors.
2. Do something that causes the indoors to become very uncomfortable.
3. Mention the discomfort to the person.
4. Ask, "Do you want to go outside with me?" or something along those lines.
5. If person does not say yes, make the room even more uncomfortable.
6. Repeat until the other person says yes or you're both dead.
7.Tell everyone you went out with that person. (assuming you're not dead)
Are you all doing okay, Claire's product namers? Perhaps you need a quick break? Some fresh air? A dictionary??? I don't know about you, but that looks like a scarf to me...
