"Your source for somewhat true and completely wonderful local news."
EDUCATION
Determined student returns to school only a day after coma and is injured once again. School officials are suspiciously oblivious.
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Middle school students are preparing for a prestigious science competition. One particularly popular event is the new "Shove Ping Pong Balls and Batteries Into a Plastic Bag Tied to a Robot" marathon. We spoke to one student, asking him about this wonderfully educational event. "DON'T STEP ON ANYTHING! Oh, and yeah, I really like this event," he told us as he triumphantly deposited a battery into the plastic bag on his team's robot. "Our robot has a 100% success rate, especially when I get to push the things into the bag! When I don't get to push the things in, it still has a 100% success rate 40% of the time!". The competition will be in about a month and a half.
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Missing a substitute teacher, the middle school Geometry class descends to Lord of the Flies-esque chaos.
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HEALTH
Local researchers have unexpectedly discovered that school hallways are an excellent model of blood clots. Plans are being made to bring medical students to observe the circulation of people in various middle and high schools.
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AND NOW SOME WORDS FROM OUR SPONSOR...
Tired of throwing coconuts at trees or smashing them with rocks? Introducing the new Easy Zip Coconut! We did the work for you! Just a quick "ZEEYIUP" and the coconut flies open. Available exclusively on your local school's black market!
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SPORTS
School officials have announced a new sport to be played in all schools in the hopes of reducing childhood obesity. "We plan to, like, have these new chairs and, y'know, have kids sit in them and ummm.....Oh, looks like I have to go!" stated a school board official before running out of the room when asked for details about the new sport.
EDUCATION
Determined student returns to school only a day after coma and is injured once again. School officials are suspiciously oblivious.
---
Middle school students are preparing for a prestigious science competition. One particularly popular event is the new "Shove Ping Pong Balls and Batteries Into a Plastic Bag Tied to a Robot" marathon. We spoke to one student, asking him about this wonderfully educational event. "DON'T STEP ON ANYTHING! Oh, and yeah, I really like this event," he told us as he triumphantly deposited a battery into the plastic bag on his team's robot. "Our robot has a 100% success rate, especially when I get to push the things into the bag! When I don't get to push the things in, it still has a 100% success rate 40% of the time!". The competition will be in about a month and a half.
---
Missing a substitute teacher, the middle school Geometry class descends to Lord of the Flies-esque chaos.
********
HEALTH
Local researchers have unexpectedly discovered that school hallways are an excellent model of blood clots. Plans are being made to bring medical students to observe the circulation of people in various middle and high schools.
---
AND NOW SOME WORDS FROM OUR SPONSOR...
Tired of throwing coconuts at trees or smashing them with rocks? Introducing the new Easy Zip Coconut! We did the work for you! Just a quick "ZEEYIUP" and the coconut flies open. Available exclusively on your local school's black market!
********
SPORTS
School officials have announced a new sport to be played in all schools in the hopes of reducing childhood obesity. "We plan to, like, have these new chairs and, y'know, have kids sit in them and ummm.....Oh, looks like I have to go!" stated a school board official before running out of the room when asked for details about the new sport.
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