"Your source for somewhat true and completely wonderful local news."
EDUCATION
A freak accident involving pieces of copper occurred in the room of an eminent science teacher's classroom this week. Several students were attempting to bend a bar of copper when suddenly the bar violently twisted itself into a figure eight, and flew into the air. One child suffered eleven broken fingers as well as a bruise on his lower thigh. When asked for commentary, the child (name withdrawn for privacy) told us, "Hey, I get to miss school for at least a week!" Another student lost three toenails in the midst of the havoc. According to school officials, the metal bar has yet to be found.
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Many Latin 1 students adopt maxims "We won't work harder." and "Classmate T. is always right!" that are strangely reminiscent of Orwell's Animal Farm.
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Board of Education shocked that advanced words such as "barrel" and "sandwich" were used in a middle school spelling bee.
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ENVIRONMENT
In an alternate universe, an island chain half a dozen feet south from the recently expanded empire of Ni has been flooded due to rapidly rising ocean levels.These islands used to be called the Land of Speckles, aptly named for its very small islands that were in close proximity to one another. However, the flooding has reduced the islands' land area above water to miniscule dots, invisible to the naked human eye. A renaming process is in progress. Suggested names include South Ni, WaterWorld, and I-don't-even-care-stop-asking-me-these-random-questions (abbreviated as IDECSAMTRQ).
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AND NOW SOME WORDS FROM OUR SPONSOR...
Staining steel silverware now available at the secret stores located under all public elementary schools! Everyone already has stainless steel. Here's a truly unique item you won't find anywhere else! Surprise all your friends and family with a set of staining steel silverware.
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SPORTS
The annual thumb wrestling tournament was held on Friday after being rescheduled due to the clement weather. "Friday's continuous rain, freezing temperatures, and lack of sunshine definitely contributed to the most successful tournament in years, maybe even decades!" exclaimed Mr. Tom West Ling, the sponsor of the tournament. Following a brief review of the rules, round one of the competition began. It took twenty rounds to arrive at the two finalists, Josephine "Jo" Schmoe and William Robert "Billy Bob" Joe. As the two engaged in the intense final thumb wrestling match of the day, spectators say that the rain pounded harder and harder until finally, Jo Schmoe pinned down Billy Bob Joe's thumb with a triumphant yodel. Schmoe told us, "I'm extremely happy about my win. I used to be the thumb wrestling champion of my third grade class, and it's been lots of fun to continue my childhood hobby!"
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MISCELLANEOUS
The regional People With Time Machines Prototypes Convention (commonly known as the TimeCon) is scheduled for last Sunday. The TimeCon event organizers want us to remind participants to arrive as early as possible but still arrive on last Sunday.
EDUCATION
A freak accident involving pieces of copper occurred in the room of an eminent science teacher's classroom this week. Several students were attempting to bend a bar of copper when suddenly the bar violently twisted itself into a figure eight, and flew into the air. One child suffered eleven broken fingers as well as a bruise on his lower thigh. When asked for commentary, the child (name withdrawn for privacy) told us, "Hey, I get to miss school for at least a week!" Another student lost three toenails in the midst of the havoc. According to school officials, the metal bar has yet to be found.
---
Many Latin 1 students adopt maxims "We won't work harder." and "Classmate T. is always right!" that are strangely reminiscent of Orwell's Animal Farm.
---
Board of Education shocked that advanced words such as "barrel" and "sandwich" were used in a middle school spelling bee.
********
ENVIRONMENT
In an alternate universe, an island chain half a dozen feet south from the recently expanded empire of Ni has been flooded due to rapidly rising ocean levels.These islands used to be called the Land of Speckles, aptly named for its very small islands that were in close proximity to one another. However, the flooding has reduced the islands' land area above water to miniscule dots, invisible to the naked human eye. A renaming process is in progress. Suggested names include South Ni, WaterWorld, and I-don't-even-care-stop-asking-me-these-random-questions (abbreviated as IDECSAMTRQ).
********
AND NOW SOME WORDS FROM OUR SPONSOR...
Staining steel silverware now available at the secret stores located under all public elementary schools! Everyone already has stainless steel. Here's a truly unique item you won't find anywhere else! Surprise all your friends and family with a set of staining steel silverware.
********
SPORTS
The annual thumb wrestling tournament was held on Friday after being rescheduled due to the clement weather. "Friday's continuous rain, freezing temperatures, and lack of sunshine definitely contributed to the most successful tournament in years, maybe even decades!" exclaimed Mr. Tom West Ling, the sponsor of the tournament. Following a brief review of the rules, round one of the competition began. It took twenty rounds to arrive at the two finalists, Josephine "Jo" Schmoe and William Robert "Billy Bob" Joe. As the two engaged in the intense final thumb wrestling match of the day, spectators say that the rain pounded harder and harder until finally, Jo Schmoe pinned down Billy Bob Joe's thumb with a triumphant yodel. Schmoe told us, "I'm extremely happy about my win. I used to be the thumb wrestling champion of my third grade class, and it's been lots of fun to continue my childhood hobby!"
********
MISCELLANEOUS
The regional People With Time Machines Prototypes Convention (commonly known as the TimeCon) is scheduled for last Sunday. The TimeCon event organizers want us to remind participants to arrive as early as possible but still arrive on last Sunday.
You spelled barel wrong, lol.
ReplyDelete* headdesk *
DeleteI thnk the neme IDECSAMTRQ is purfect.
ReplyDeleteAnd I think your spelling is not...
DeleteBut thank you for your input. I will be sure to notify the Name-changing Committee of the Land of Speckles about your preference.
Breaking News:
ReplyDeleteRF is a liar.
Ni has been restoed to its former glory.
There was a small uprising by Niz but it was quickly stomped out.
Now, LiarVem is plotting a missle strike on Wynonot.
It is getting top secret supplies from the allied confederecy of WuDuGan.
The Theocracy of Aristocracy has been plotting a reform movement titled HUMAN.
Wyonot? These sad attempts at spelling the federation Ni finds itself a member of is a depressing occurence. What are you, an ally of Caboose‽ (Note the interrobang)
Delete