"Your source for somewhat true and completely wonderful local news."
AS SPARTAN PROVERBS TELL US...
"It's DYIN'!"
"STAHP itt-uhhh!"
"To climb stairs, one must climb the stairs."
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HEALTH
New virus? -- Two local, middle-aged women manage not to use the restroom for over eight hours yet report no major discomfort, a symptom of a possible new virus. The new virus seems to be extremely contagious, however only at a close range. A determined team of two scientists are hard at work researching this strange new virus, putting in up to five minutes of diligent work each day.
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Does writing macrons in Latin cause carpal tunnel syndrome?
Ongoing studies say it's not completely impossible.
********
NOW SOME WORDS FROM OUR SPONSOR...
New product of unspecified name has arrived at the school book store! It's advertised to reduce stress and intelligence. Now you'll finally "fit in!" Woo hoo!
(Price will vary depending on the first letter of your last name and whether or not you have ever eaten wood ear mushrooms.)
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EDUCATION
Middle school students are encouraged to imagine learning through the state's newest ingenious program, fittingly named Imagine Learning. Each school computer comes installed with a copy of Imagine Learning, but few teachers are implementing it.
Regardless, interviews with students reveal that this is a very popular new system. "It's, like, so much better than the old way of, you know, actually learning stuffs!" reported an enthusiastic girl smacking on a piece of Trident Layers gum of undetermined flavor. The teachers are slowly warming up to it though. "I used to think it was a crazy idea, but the students love it and don't ever have pointless questions! Could the state education system actually have thought up something beneficial?" one teacher mumbled as he sipped a mug of clear liquids.
School faculty hopes that Imagine Learning will help students adjust to the Uncommon Bore curriculum as they refine their imagination skills.
---
"Advanced" Latin students shocked to discover that fellow classmates are alive and have functioning brains.
---
Two printers appear in one classroom: Sorcery?
********
OBITUARY
The Why Not? admins mourn the tragic death of an innocent snake.
However, in an interview with several semi-barbaric homosapiens, they were reported to have unreasonably high levels of relief and even happiness over the tragic loss.
Nine square inches of land have been dedicated for a memorial in memory of the snake. (Construction is set to begin within ninety years.)
********
OTHER NEWS
Impromptu celebrations abound as the arrival of the newest issue of Imagine magazine is announced.
---
This week's word of the weak has been "theme." Any student caught using the word was to be harassed for being weak enough to use "theme."
AS SPARTAN PROVERBS TELL US...
"It's DYIN'!"
"STAHP itt-uhhh!"
"To climb stairs, one must climb the stairs."
********
HEALTH
New virus? -- Two local, middle-aged women manage not to use the restroom for over eight hours yet report no major discomfort, a symptom of a possible new virus. The new virus seems to be extremely contagious, however only at a close range. A determined team of two scientists are hard at work researching this strange new virus, putting in up to five minutes of diligent work each day.
---
Does writing macrons in Latin cause carpal tunnel syndrome?
Ongoing studies say it's not completely impossible.
********
NOW SOME WORDS FROM OUR SPONSOR...
New product of unspecified name has arrived at the school book store! It's advertised to reduce stress and intelligence. Now you'll finally "fit in!" Woo hoo!
(Price will vary depending on the first letter of your last name and whether or not you have ever eaten wood ear mushrooms.)
********
EDUCATION
Middle school students are encouraged to imagine learning through the state's newest ingenious program, fittingly named Imagine Learning. Each school computer comes installed with a copy of Imagine Learning, but few teachers are implementing it.
Regardless, interviews with students reveal that this is a very popular new system. "It's, like, so much better than the old way of, you know, actually learning stuffs!" reported an enthusiastic girl smacking on a piece of Trident Layers gum of undetermined flavor. The teachers are slowly warming up to it though. "I used to think it was a crazy idea, but the students love it and don't ever have pointless questions! Could the state education system actually have thought up something beneficial?" one teacher mumbled as he sipped a mug of clear liquids.
School faculty hopes that Imagine Learning will help students adjust to the Uncommon Bore curriculum as they refine their imagination skills.
---
"Advanced" Latin students shocked to discover that fellow classmates are alive and have functioning brains.
---
Two printers appear in one classroom: Sorcery?
********
OBITUARY
The Why Not? admins mourn the tragic death of an innocent snake.
However, in an interview with several semi-barbaric homosapiens, they were reported to have unreasonably high levels of relief and even happiness over the tragic loss.
Nine square inches of land have been dedicated for a memorial in memory of the snake. (Construction is set to begin within ninety years.)
********
OTHER NEWS
Impromptu celebrations abound as the arrival of the newest issue of Imagine magazine is announced.
---
This week's word of the weak has been "theme." Any student caught using the word was to be harassed for being weak enough to use "theme."
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